


Fire Codes, BPMs, and An Excessive Amount of Alcohol

by lumbeam



Category: The Social Network (2010)
Genre: M/M, au in which sean is actually not a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:46:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3383858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumbeam/pseuds/lumbeam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU in which Wardo attends the "One Million Members" Party (because he was actually invited and there is no ambush) and somehow temporarily becomes friends with Sean. Drinking and yearning after Mark ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fire Codes, BPMs, and An Excessive Amount of Alcohol

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on a dream I had like maybe like almost a year ago, and I just got around to finishing it. I'll probably write a follow up piece, but hopefully it won't take me nearly a year to write.

Although jet lagged and exhausted, Eduardo somehow managed to make it to the “One Million Members” party. By the time he entered Facebook headquarters, the interns and programmers had started pre-gaming and planning on how to celebrate. There were talks of some people going to a frat party near the Facebook offices.   Ashleigh, one of the interns, was saying to the other (underaged) interns, “Well, since it’s in a frat house, it’s not like they’ll call the cops…” They all nod in unison as they barely contain their excitement about going to a party with booze.

Sean, working his magic in schmoozing and being some sort of coked-up ringleader, convinced the programmers and a few interns into going to this club a few blocks away. “It’s totally exclusive, and we’re gonna go in there and all eyes are going to be on us!” Sean catches Mark trying to sneak out of the offices without being detected. He points at him and he yells, “Even you, Mark!” Mark stops dead in his tracks. “It’s not a celebration without the ZUCK!” if it were any other night, Mark would slink out of the offices well past everyone’s quitting time. This is the first night in a very long time where he doesn’t want to stay in the offices. He hangs his head and starts to make his way over to “the meeting on the mound.”

Eduardo couldn’t help but laugh at everything going on. By laughing, he then catches both Mark and Sean’s eyes. Sean barely hides his annoyance to see that Wardo did make it after all.   “Ward-o, I see you made it.” Sean says as he motions for him to come towards the group of interns and programmers. Eduardo sets down his bag and reluctantly joins the huddle. 

“Only friends call me Wardo…” he mutters.  
“Yeah, yeah, great.” Sean dismisses. “Mark! Get over here so we can plan everything out!” which seems absurd, because it’s obvious to Wardo that Sean has everything planned out. He knows that he’s been organizing this dog and pony show ever since new york. the Sean-a-thon keeps on going, and this night is the pinnacle of his reign. 

Dustin, who is also in the group, catches the other interns leaving for the frat party. “Have fun, kids!” He calls out like a sitcom dad, despite the fact that Dustin is the one who acts the most like a child in the office.

Mark enters the huddle and Sean, despite mentioning that the group has to plan, says, “Okay! it’s settled then; we’re going to this club and it is going to be a night to remember!” The emphasis on “remember” implies that Sean is getting fuuuucked up tonight, meaning he won’t remember one bit of the excursion. Wardo can see Mark bite at his lip in nervousness due to his mouth lacking a fixation. He wonders if Mark still has that dart from kirkland that he used to absentmindedly chew on…

And before Wardo knows it, they’re in the club. It’s some odd unpronounceable name, almost like a line of code. Eduardo finds a spot at the bar and observes the place. The club is dark, for the most part, although he can faintly make out silhouettes of people dancing and gyrating because of the faint blue lighting. The music is booming loud enough to pound in Eduardo’s skull, so much so that he can’t hear himself think. Wardo has been to many clubs like this in the past, and none of them were a result of work achievements. Because of that reason, this is the first time he feels uncomfortable and out of place in a club. How much should he drink? If he were still involved in the Phoenix Club, he would not give drinking a second thought, but since he’s a big time CFO — with Mark as his higher up — he is a little less than willing to start chugging Appletinis. He sees Sean buddying up with Mark and hanging around him, and Wardo can’t help but feel he’s been replaced. By seeing this, he motions to the bartender to bring on the alcohol. As soon as his mixed drink is passed to him, he gulps it down without a second thought. The sting of the alcohol only mimics the sharp pain he feels in the pit of his stomach. 

He watches Mark, which is easy to do because he can be a wallflower in situations like these. Wardo can tell Mark is counting down the minutes to leave. clad in his black fleece coat and grey sweatpants, no one would be able to tell that Mark’s the CEO of a company. Eduardo can see his nimble fingers tap against the beer he’s holding. Even though this is a time to celebrate, Wardo can tell it’s hard for Mark to be pulled away from his laptop when there is so much to do, so much to code…  Eduardo orders another drink and keeps his gaze on Mark. He should look away for fear of looking creepy, but the alcohol is starting to course through his body and he doesn’t mind if anyone catches him. It’s dark enough for no one to notice, he reasons.

No one to notice but Sean, of course. 

Sean wraps one of his arms around Eduardo’s neck, and in doing so he spills some of his cosmopolitan on Eduardo’s suit. luckily, his Prada was at the cleaners that week, so it’s only his less expensive suit.

“Wardo,” Sean says, all too loud, even in the booming club, “You’ve been at the bar all night. what gives?” 

“It’s ED-uardo.” He says curtly as he takes a small sip from his drink. “And nothing’s wrong.”

“Whatever, ED-Wardo. What’s wrong? Someone torture your chicken?”  
“How do you know about th —” Wardo catches himself. If he keeps talking to Sean, Sean will stay by him in the club all night, which is the last thing he wants. Wardo planned his night almost as soon as he hunkered down at the bar. All Wardo wants to do is get drunk, maybe dance a little, and steal a few glances from Mark throughout the night.  
“Look, I’ve been watching you for a while now, and you’ve been watching Mark. You can’t lie to me man, I’ve got eyes like a fox!”

Ignoring the incorrect simile, Eduardo sighs. “Fine. I have been. So?” He takes a gulp of his drink and it turns out he’s already done with it. He motions to the bartender for a top off.  
“You don’t have to keep stuff from me, Wards! I’m your friend; you can tell me anything!”  
“Sean, we’re coworkers! I mean, we’re barely even that!”  
“But we can change that! You need to stop this standoffish lone wolf bullshit. Had I not known better, I would have thought you were morphing into Mark!” Eduardo scoffs and looks back over at Mark.

The drinks flow on. Eduardo, letting some of his boundaries down, starts to let Sean in on a few things. Even though Wardo is plenty buzzed, he know Sean won’t remember much of this tomorrow, so he feels comforted by that reminder.

“Well, it’s just —” Wardo starts to stumble out, “Mark and I have been through a lot. but I’m still in the company? I didn’t come to Palo Alto, I froze Facebook's account out of anger, I —”

Sean cuts him off. “Waaaaardo, you just have to tell him these things.”  
“Have you met Mark? I can’t do that…” Eduardo mutters before taking another swig of his drink.  
“Man, well there’s no use in getting your panties in a twist. It’s in the past!” Eduardo couldn’t help but laugh at that, since Sean is still wrapped up with bombing out of two major companies in a blaze of (un)glory, but Sean doesn’t notice his laughter.

Wardo looks over at Mark again. luckily, Dustin is talking to him and he’s making all sorts of grand gestures with his hands, nearly knocking over the surrounding people’s drinks in the process. Mark is smirking to himself and nodding along. His fingers are still tapping against his drink.

Eduardo finishes off his drink. “What can I do? I can’t just apologize to him…” Even though Wardo knows he could theoretically just talk to him, it would be tough for him because Mark has just as many things to apologize for, although he would never even begin to say he was sorry. Wardo doesn’t want it to be one-sided.

“What you have to do is…show that you appreciate him.” Sean rubs at his nose.  
“Sean, did you not hear what I just sai—”  
“No, no, no, Wardo, you’ve got it all twisted. I mean you have to appreciate him. with your mouth.” Sean even does the classic “tongue-in-side-of-mouth” gesture.  
Eduardo’s eyes widen. “What?”  
“I’m talking about blowjobs, wards!” Sean shakes Eduardo's shoulder with his free hand.  
“Yes, yes, thank you for the clarification. I needed it,” Eduardo deadpanned. Sean doesn’t notice the sarcasm because he’s constantly scanning the club for a possible hookup. 

The thought swirls around in Eduardo’s head. Just…go over and blow him? That seems like it would raise more questions than answers. It’s not that Wardo hasn’t thought about it. It passed his mind sometimes when it was just him and Mark in the Kirkland dorm, drinking and playing Halo. It was a minor thought, the first time he just assumed it was those weird impulses that his brain sends. A quick thought, like “I could just kiss him right now. No one is here, and we’re both pretty buzzed…” 

But then it kept happening. These once-impulsive thoughts kept sneaking in whenever he saw Mark, or even thought about him in passing. It even happened when he was with Christy in the bathrooms of that club. He was so close to Mark, and he could hear marks moans from the adjacent stall. It just made that experience even more exciting. By Sean suggesting this, it opened up a whole Pandora’s box of thoughts and problems that Eduardo had previously locked away.

Eduardo felt his hands shaking, and all of a sudden felt very warm. It wasn’t just because of the alcohol or the heat of the sweaty bodies in the room. “H-how would I…?”

Sean stares at him. “You never sucked a guy’s dick before?”  
Wardo was taken aback. “You have?”  
“Man, Wardo, that doesn’t mean I’m gay, it means I’m smart! Why would I limit myself to women when I could double my chances of getting laid?!”  
Eduardo sincerely wishes he’ll remember this tomorrow. Bemusedly, he asked, “Any tips?”  
Although Sean was drunk and on who knows what else, he pulls at Wardo’s coat lapels and mutters, “Not here, too many people…”

Eduardo fears that this was a mistake asking Sean of all people for advice on fellatio.  
————————————

Mark knew one million members was a huge accomplishment. He knew that it was a time to celebrate and loosen up and maybe even have fun. He knew he should get off of the wall instead of determining the tempo of each song that comes on. He was tapping against his drink not due to nervousness, but rather for the coding he’s been itching to do ever since the counter hit 1,000,000. He wishes he slinked out of the Facebook offices a little before the big number, much like how single people inconspicuously sneak out before the clock strikes midnight on New Years because they have no one to kiss while “Auld Lang Syne” plays.

Had it not been for Sean, Mark could have probably kept the party at the offices. That way, workers can drink and celebrate and Mark could keep ticking at his keyboard. In many ways, it feels as if he’s still back at Kirkland, sending out the addresses of thefacebook to Wardo’s Phoenix Club members.

Wardo…  
Mark scans the room for him, although it’s hard to make out any discernible faces due to the club being overcrowded. (Fire codes seem to be another issue with this club, which Mark noted when they first arrived. It’s no coincidence that Mark is standing next to a fire escape, just in case.) 

It’s amazing Wardo even showed up, considering that there has been some unaddressed tension between them. At first, Mark viewed Wardo freezing the account as some sort of childish maneuver, like they were back in elementary school and Sean wasn’t sharing his blocks. Mark would like to admit that he still isn’t annoyed by the whole thing, but it’s difficult not to be.

One million members, he thinks, pushing away the pestering thoughts about Wardo. He feels the need to get out and talk with his employees, and yet he remains a wallflower, thinking about code and Wardo and tempos and fires and lighting. He stares down at his drink, which is the same one he’s had all night. He sighs and drinks the rest of it, knowing that he’ll have to unglue himself from the wall and get a refill to let people know he’s still actually there, putting in the effort to let loose.

Departing from the wall, he makes his way over to the bar. His legs are actually stiff from just standing and doing nothing, which only makes him feel more guilty that he’s not at home tending to his website. He motions to the bartender for another drink. While he’s waiting for his glass to be filled, he observes the people dancing in the club almost like one would look at animals in the wild. It’s not that he hates people who let loose, it’s just that he doesn’t understand how people can be so comfortable in being uncoordinated and improvising dance moves. It’s almost bizarre to think that people do this every weekend and don’t get tired of it. Then again, people could say the same for his interests…

His train of thought is broken by Dustin slapping Mark on the back. “It’s good to see you’re among the living. I was worried Medusa got to you! You’ve been a statue all night!”

Mark doesn’t pay any attention to Dustin’s worries. “What time is it?” he asks, grabbing his newly filled drink from the bar.

“It’s time to paaaaar-taaay!” Dustin says, gulping down his drink. Mark rolls his eyes and for once is grateful the lighting in this place is terrible. despite that and the beer goggles, Dustin sees Mark’s reaction and hits him on the back again, this time a bit harder. Mark sincerely hopes he won’t find bruises on his back tomorrow. “Dude! relax! Just live a little! This is a big deal!”

Mark knows it’s a big deal; he’s been trying to convince himself of that all night. He seems to be the only one that thinks that this milestone cannot be stagnated. One million members…that’s about 1/7000th of the population, he thinks negatively, as if one million people is something to scoff at. He remembers the excitement he felt when Sean promised to get him on two continents with his help. It was that same outing where Wardo couldn’t make it because he was in new york finding advertisers for the summer. Wardo should have been in palo alto then, pounding back shots and anticipating the future with him.

“Wardo.” Mark lets his name slip out before he even realizes it.  
“Wardo? did you say Wardo?” Dustin is wondering how much Mark has had to drink.  
“Hm?” Mark takes a swig of his drink to stall. “Yeah. I was think — wa…where’s Wardo?”  
“That sounds like a terrible and awesome children’s book.” Dustin muses. It does kind of ring true for Wardo’s presence, or lack thereof, in the company. “But I actually don’t know where he is? I last saw him with Sean.”  
“Sean. As in Sean parker.” Mark said flatly. Now he knows Dustin has had too much. Where’s Chris to watch after him when you need him?  
“Yeah! They’ve been buddying around all night. how could you not see that?”  
Mark debated saying “because I was thinking of the violation of fire codes and the BPMs of the songs,” but that would make even less sense than Wardo hanging out with Sean.  
—————————————————————————————

The past twenty minutes have been very enlightening to Eduardo. He and Sean hid out in the lobby of the club, only escaping to get refills on drinks. It was the first time in a couple of hours that he could actually hear people speaking without having to shout, and his ears thanked him for this intermission. Despite the break from Sean shouting at him it was tough to get bombarded on the subject of oral sex from Sean still talking a little too loudly. 

He’s seen plenty of porn before, but he’s never wondered the intricacies of blowjobs. He just figured it’d be like licking a popsicle or something. But according to Sean, supposed BJ master, it takes a lot more nuance and concentration. Stuff about paying attention to the head but not just the head, using your hand but not too much, having a good gag reflex…he felt like he should have taken notes.

“You have a dick! Do what you’d want someone to do to you!” Sean finally said after Eduardo asked a number of unnecessary questions due to the number of drinks he’s had. “It’s not rocket science!”

Within the passing of these twenty minutes, Wardo downed four more drinks, so admittedly, he was pretty shitfaced. Definitely not in the frame of mind to learn about or even perform fellatio on his best friend. He would know this tomorrow morning, but as of right now, he thinks it’s the best idea in the world next to being Facebook’s CFO. 

“All right, all right, I-got-it!” Wardo slurred back. He noticed he’s been talking with his hands more, which even in his state, he knows he has to sober up before he talks to Mark.

Wardo buttons his blazer and stumbles over to the nearby mirror in the lobby. after half-heartedly combing his mane with his fingers, he turns back to Sean. “How do I look?” he asks as he makes a Vanna White-esque gesture with his arms.

“Like a million bucks.” Sean smirks back. “Or…a million members!!” They both erupt into over the top laughter. For a split second, Wardo thinks that they could be friends. “Go get him, wards! Charm the pants off of him! Literally!” But since he just called Eduardo “Wards” again, he quickly rethinks their alliance.

Eduardo takes a deep breath and goes back to the dance floor. One doesn’t realize how humid and heavy the air of a club is once they step out of it, and this time it hits Wardo like a laptop smashing on a table. His eyes and ears adjust to the dark lighting and the booming music, respectively. He walks through the club like he owns the place, or at least he thinks he does. He’s determined to find Mark and appreciate him. With his mouth.  
————————————————————————————————

Some time has passed and Mark has found his new place at the bar. That way, people can come to him instead of him having to mingle without an anchor of sorts. Dustin is still near the bar, and Mark can hear him talking to Chris about theories of Pokémon being Ash’s dying dream after he gets struck by lightning in the first episode. Mark drifts in and out, continually scanning the dance floor for Eduardo.

Out of nowhere, Eduardo pushes through Dustin and Chris and stumbles to the bar. “Wardo!” Mark says a little too excitedly. He tries to brush off that he wasn’t looking for him for half the night. “I — hm — how are you?”  
“Mark I have to…appreciate…tell you…” Wardo shakes his head and starts over. “C-can we get some air?”  
Mark nods curtly and strides to the fire exit. Wardo follows suit, although his walk is a little bit more hurried than Mark’s. 

The outside area is reminiscent of the AEPi caribbean night, although it’s less cold and Eduardo is in one hundred percent less Hawaiian attire and is about seventy percent more drunk.  
They stare at each other for a moment until Mark’s eyes dart away. Mark decides to start their conversation in a business-oriented fashion because of the tension. “Listen, about the company…” 

Eduardo feels a different tension between them, but he needs to ease into this. “Mark, I…I’m sorry I froze the account. I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t want to do it…” Why is he bringing this up? There are a million better ways to go from talking to blow jobs, and he’s realizing that this isn’t one of them. It’s too late — his feelings are already out there and Mark will remember this tomorrow morning.

“No, it’s—” Mark wasn’t going to say it was okay and he wasn’t going to take blame for it. He just didn’t want to address it at all tonight because he still feels sore about it.

“I know you’re going to say it’s okay and that you’re sorry too, but…I just want to let you know that I was wrong.” Why am I saying this, Eduardo wonders. And with that, the last remotely sober thought is gone for the night.

“Wardo, a club isn’t really the place to tell me this —“ 

“That’s not all! I just want to say —” Eduardo moves closer to Mark. “— that I appreciate you. I want you to know that I’m grateful for keeping me in the company. And that…I want to show my gratitude.”

Mark takes a step back, worried by Eduardo invading his space, but he finds his back is pressed against a wall again. “Wardo?”

“I appreciate you —“ Wardo mutters again before he presses his lips against Mark’s.  
Mark is taken aback by this. He knows that Eduardo has had too much to drink at this point, but he never thought it would happen like this (or at all). It’s not like he’s never thought about Wardo in that way, but they were thoughts that never crept out past 4 am when Mark was the only one up. It was at an obscene hour that Mark felt the freedom to let his mind wander through all the absurd thoughts, both sexual and nonsexual, that he had brushed away because of him focusing on his coding binges. It was once he was done with being wired in for sixteen hours, he allowed himself to become human again and tend to basic needs such as food and hygiene and sleep. Each night before bed, he forced himself not to think about code or thefacebook. in doing this, his nonsexual (and occasionally sexual) thoughts always led back to Eduardo.

This clumsy kiss only brought up those late night thoughts from Kirkland. He hasn’t had these thoughts since the Palo Alto blowup. 

Despite a sense of joy he felt deep down, Mark could taste the alcohol on Eduardo’s tongue, which brought him back to reality.

“Wardo—“ Mark said against Eduardo’s lips. Eduardo was being aggressive and sloppy with his tongue and his hands. Mark couldn’t help but kiss back at first, despite the messiness. He finally came to grips and broke the kiss. “Wardo, hold on, wait—!“

Eduardo, still in a haze, gets on his knees. He looks up at Mark, who has a perplexed look on his face as if he’s staring at a difficult line of code. “I have to appreciate you —“ he pulls Mark’s pants down and starts kissing Mark’s thighs. Although it feels good, it’s too much, too fast.

Mark touches Wardo’s head. “Wardo, what has gotten into you?”  
“You,” Eduardo breathes out against Mark’s thighs. Mark can’t help but think that this exchange has been in every tawdry romance novel ever (not that he would know). 

“Wardo, you need to go home and get some rest.” Mark says sternly.

“No! I have to let you know how I feel with my mouth!” Wardo whines a bit too loudly, still on his knees. Mark tries to calm him down, but Eduardo’s getting worked up in a drunken fit.  
Mark pulls up his pants and says, “That’s all right, really. Don’t feel like you have to anything. Just be my CFO.” He pats Wardo on the head like one would a dog. He knows at this point he’s babysitting. “But I have to — have to —“ From the jet lag to the drinking frenzy to Sean to this, Eduardo lets him know how he really feels at this moment:

By throwing up all over Mark’s pants. It consists of nothing but booze and shitty airline food.

“Augh!” Mark exclaimed. They were his favorite sweatpants. At that moment, he almost feels ashamed by how upset he is due to a pair of sweatpants being ruined, on top of him owning so many that he has a favorite pair.

“Ma-Mark I’m sor—“ Eduardo retches again, this time away from Mark and next to a discarded cardboard box. “Ssssorry!”

The only thing worse than the booming noise of the club, Mark decides, is hearing Eduardo crying interspersed with dry heaving. He looks over at Wardo, whose suit is ruined from vomit and alcohol, and then he turns his attention to his sweatpants, now resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. He thinks about the entire night and how this was supposed to be a celebration and how Wardo and Sean were friends and Sean was probably telling him how to suck a dick —Mark has sat through that enlightening conversation before—and he can’t help but laugh.  
Mark starts cackling quietly, but it quickly builds to a manic shrill laugh. Eduardo, who is done crying but still heaving, looks at Mark (who is probably turning into a hyena, judging from his laughter). 

“Oh, so this is funny?” Eduardo asks, more sober due to his dinner and drinks now soaking into marks pants and the nearby trash. “Is it?!”

Mark is now gasping from laughing so much. “Yes,” he manages to squeak out. “All of this is just—“ he starts up with his almost maniacal laughter. Wardo has never heard him laugh so much (or maybe not at all?).

Eduardo, steadying himself onto his feet, grabs Mark by his shoulders. he tries to look into Mark’s eyes to see if his pupils are dilated from any drug he took between Wardo trying to blow him and Wardo throwing up on him. They weren’t.

Mark’s laughter slowly died off and he returned from his mind. “No more drinks tonight.” Mark realized for once he is going to have to babysit Wardo and make sure he doesn’t ruin anyone else’s sweatpants for the night. Wardo nodded, a little too viciously, almost knocking against Mark’s head. Due to their closeness, Eduardo could smell his curls to his drunken excitement, and Mark could smell the vile vomit on Eduardo, much to his chagrin. “Let’s go home.” Mark said, deciding that this is the perfect alibi for going back to his house and coding. 

They made their way back to the club, and the music and lights hit Wardo like a ton of bricks. It took everything in Mark’s strength to keep him supported as they navigated through the dance floor. Dustin made a note of their bonding, but he was too far gone to string together a sentence. it was mostly just “Markwardo! Yay! Here!” the sweaty smell of the dancers was actually a relief to Mark, as it was ranks above the smell that Wardo was giving off. 

They made it to the lobby, and Wardo wasn’t supporting all of his weight on Mark, much to Mark’s appreciation. They saw Sean out in the lobby still, rubbing his nose from snorting too much coke and rubbing his gums with his fingers. “Heyyy it’s WARDS! I see my advice helped!” It is obvious that Sean did not see Mark’s newly decorated sweats. Mark just wanted to get a cab, settle Wardo down, and start his coding until he passed out. 

Wardo looked over at Sean, who still had a big goofy grin from earlier. “Fuck off, Sean.” Eduardo almost spat out this phrase as if it were acid. Mark took solace in Eduardo saying this because it meant that he was sobering up and him and Sean are still not friends (even after the BJ talk, surprisingly.)

“Woah-hooooooo man!” Sean didn’t seem offended by this, “I see how it is! Give me the deets later! Tell me how you did!” Sean’s voice faded off and it was replaced by Mark and Eduardo going out the doors of the club, calling it a night.


End file.
